Let's Be Vulnerable
I surprise people.
Not in the way like, "Wow! I never knew you could do that!" No, I surprise people when something is wrong with me. It startles them.
"You have depression? But you are so energetic!"
"Did you just say you're tired? There's no way!"
"You don't have a group of friends? That's impossible!"
Just writing those phrases down exhausts me. It's my reality though. The people who get to know my first layer or two think I am just this unlimited ray of sunshine - shining down through the clouds to boop everyone on the head with Disney songs, laughter, and smiles. I would be lying to say I don't enjoy those first few layers of myself also. It's fun to bring joy and kindness into other people's lives; especially when I can see they are having a bad day. I have so many bad days. I know the feeling - so here's some gentleness.
Truth of the matter is that I am constantly exhausted out of my mind, or I'm hit with intense feelings of sleepiness that leave me in a constant state of yawning for about 5-10 minutes as I struggle to focus not only my head, but my eyes as well. The thing is, unless I'm able to distract my brain, I am often times terrified to fall asleep at night. My sleep is not a peaceful slumber.
I have been suffering from chronic nightmares and bedtime hallucinations for at least the last seven years. In reality, I think both of those two symptoms maybe even go back farther. I had no idea bedtime hallucinations existed until recently. So, up until now, I thought I was seeing ghosts. Hearing ghosts. This paranoia made my dreams even worse - demons coming and asking for my soul - these demons being in my room upon waking in terror.
So, it makes sense I'd be afraid to go to bed, right? Right now, I'm just laying here wishing I could find some peace. I'm hella tired so the moment I let my brain drift, I'm going to go to bed. But I do not want to because I'm going to be waking up constantly from nightmares and will more than likely see someone or something in my room when I wake.
I just want a good nights rest.
Not in the way like, "Wow! I never knew you could do that!" No, I surprise people when something is wrong with me. It startles them.
"You have depression? But you are so energetic!"
"Did you just say you're tired? There's no way!"
"You don't have a group of friends? That's impossible!"
Just writing those phrases down exhausts me. It's my reality though. The people who get to know my first layer or two think I am just this unlimited ray of sunshine - shining down through the clouds to boop everyone on the head with Disney songs, laughter, and smiles. I would be lying to say I don't enjoy those first few layers of myself also. It's fun to bring joy and kindness into other people's lives; especially when I can see they are having a bad day. I have so many bad days. I know the feeling - so here's some gentleness.
Truth of the matter is that I am constantly exhausted out of my mind, or I'm hit with intense feelings of sleepiness that leave me in a constant state of yawning for about 5-10 minutes as I struggle to focus not only my head, but my eyes as well. The thing is, unless I'm able to distract my brain, I am often times terrified to fall asleep at night. My sleep is not a peaceful slumber.
I have been suffering from chronic nightmares and bedtime hallucinations for at least the last seven years. In reality, I think both of those two symptoms maybe even go back farther. I had no idea bedtime hallucinations existed until recently. So, up until now, I thought I was seeing ghosts. Hearing ghosts. This paranoia made my dreams even worse - demons coming and asking for my soul - these demons being in my room upon waking in terror.
So, it makes sense I'd be afraid to go to bed, right? Right now, I'm just laying here wishing I could find some peace. I'm hella tired so the moment I let my brain drift, I'm going to go to bed. But I do not want to because I'm going to be waking up constantly from nightmares and will more than likely see someone or something in my room when I wake.
I just want a good nights rest.
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