The Anger
I would say I am someone who does not get angry very often. It takes a lot for someone to make me angry, and usually, I'm more sad than that. Lately, I have become angrier, and I do not like it. My temper is shorter. The level of anger I feel is greater and more intense. It is not fun.
Looking back, I believe I started experiencing anger again when I informed my mom that I was very much suffering from a mental health disorder and that things around home did not help me. She was not helping me get better. She was judgmental. She was emotionally unavailable. She invalidated my feelings and often time told me I was "overreacting." She'd guilt trip me. It was too much. Things aren't great between us. She still gives into her old ways of talking to me, but I see an effort. I see she cares. I am lead to believe she doesn't want to lose connection with me. Great. That's great...
But so many things are making me angry, to the point I want to scream and throw things. I am so tired of people walking over me because I am kind. For the longest time, I thought being kind and polite was the best thing I could do. It brought me some joy to see joy on other people's faces because...well, I didn't really have it myself. But I am sick of it! I am sick of people. Sick of idiots. Sick of bullies.
My dogs are also pissing me off. I don't have the patience that I had when my boyfriend was home. The one doesn't want to eat in the morning for who knows what reason. So by the earlier afternoon, she's been hunger barfing. I have resorted to throwing treats in her bowl, but I'm angry that I shouldn't have to do that. I'm angry at my puppy for eating the other dog's food when I'm not looking/step outside for a minute to take the other one out. It freaking happened today, again. I realized my error that I had left the bowl down, and raced back inside to yes...you got it, him eating her food. I kind of lost my mind for a minute. No, I didn't beat the shit out of my dog, but yes, I gave him some hard smacks.
I have so many feelings inside me at the moment, and it's very hard to sort through them. Well, it is and it isn't. In reference to the above event, I am angry at myself that I didn't remember to pick up the bowl, I am angry at the dog for eating from the other one's bowl when he doesn't even dare touch it when the boyfriend is home, I am tired - Jesus, I'm freaking tired, I'm anxious for no obvious reason, I'm not hungry, I feel weepy....
Looking back, I believe I started experiencing anger again when I informed my mom that I was very much suffering from a mental health disorder and that things around home did not help me. She was not helping me get better. She was judgmental. She was emotionally unavailable. She invalidated my feelings and often time told me I was "overreacting." She'd guilt trip me. It was too much. Things aren't great between us. She still gives into her old ways of talking to me, but I see an effort. I see she cares. I am lead to believe she doesn't want to lose connection with me. Great. That's great...
But so many things are making me angry, to the point I want to scream and throw things. I am so tired of people walking over me because I am kind. For the longest time, I thought being kind and polite was the best thing I could do. It brought me some joy to see joy on other people's faces because...well, I didn't really have it myself. But I am sick of it! I am sick of people. Sick of idiots. Sick of bullies.
My dogs are also pissing me off. I don't have the patience that I had when my boyfriend was home. The one doesn't want to eat in the morning for who knows what reason. So by the earlier afternoon, she's been hunger barfing. I have resorted to throwing treats in her bowl, but I'm angry that I shouldn't have to do that. I'm angry at my puppy for eating the other dog's food when I'm not looking/step outside for a minute to take the other one out. It freaking happened today, again. I realized my error that I had left the bowl down, and raced back inside to yes...you got it, him eating her food. I kind of lost my mind for a minute. No, I didn't beat the shit out of my dog, but yes, I gave him some hard smacks.
I have so many feelings inside me at the moment, and it's very hard to sort through them. Well, it is and it isn't. In reference to the above event, I am angry at myself that I didn't remember to pick up the bowl, I am angry at the dog for eating from the other one's bowl when he doesn't even dare touch it when the boyfriend is home, I am tired - Jesus, I'm freaking tired, I'm anxious for no obvious reason, I'm not hungry, I feel weepy....
* * * *
I'm trying to stay this level of "positivity and optimism" that I try to give other people, but it's so dumb and pointless. I'm kind of laughing at myself right now because one reason I made this blog was to not only share those negative experiences and feelings, but to also shed some light, some goodness on the situation as well. But I don't have any right now. I am this empty shell that has a taste of what happiness is.
Comments
Post a Comment